8 steps on how to be a better listener

When was the last time you had a really good conversation?

People spend 60% of conversations talking about themselves. That’s a lot of “me” time. Not only do we love to self-disclose (it’s part of what makes social media so popular), but we also want to be good at it, too: we read up on improving our storytelling skills and take mental notes on great talks because we aspire to be memorable and leave a good impression.
But think back to the last great conversation you had. Maybe you can remember what you talked about, maybe not: think about how you felt at the end of that conversation.

If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling energized, inspired, or enlightened, you’ve been in the presence of a great listener - not necessarily a great speaker. 

well here are the steps

1. Be comfortable with silence. Humans instinctively want to fill silence and close gaps in conversation, but part of being a good listener means getting comfortable with that silence and ignoring the pressure to fill the void.
Why is this important? Some people process their thoughts internally, but many people process out loud: waiting a beat gives your conversation partner a chance to simultaneously think and talk through whatever they’re working on. If you give them an opening and they don’t pick up the thread, carry on; there’s no need for you both to sit in silence. But do give them that option first.


2. Stop multi-tasking. Doing your dishes, filing papers and clearing clutter, painting your nails, or somehow other occupying your time while talking to someone else are all roadblocks to listening well. If you want to truly engage with someone, focus on them and them alone. Show that you’re listening by making eye contact, opening your body language, and giving signs of encouragement throughout the conversation. Over the phone, smile.

3. Repeat what the other person has said. This does not mean you should parrot your conversation partner and repeat everything they say. Instead, reaffirm key points you’ve understood: this shows you are invested in understanding the other person’s point of view, and also allows the other person to clarify and refine their story where necessary.

4. Listen for what hasn’t been said. Past history, previous personal experiences - consider how your conversation partner’s life context informs the story being shared with you. Listen for perspectives both stated and implied. Try and understand why and how they think the way they do. If you’re not sure, ask.


5. Ask good questions. Your mission is to put the other person first: ask good questions that engage with your partner’s story and help them express themselves more fully. Try not to lead or judge in these questions; look for open-ended questions instead. These allow you to dig a level deeper, and show you are actively committed to understanding their story.

6. Let the moment pass. Often when other people tell their stories it reminds us of a story we want to share immediately. Tempting though it may be, try not interject with your version of the tale: trust that a good story will return, when the time is right.
Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean waiting to pounce with your story as soon as your conversation partner finishes speaking: the point is not to think ahead. Listen to their story without anticipating the telling of yours. Be aware of thoughts and stories that arise, then let them pass.


7. Don’t change the subject. People start conversations to work through ideas and challenges they can’t work through alone. Unless your conversation partner redirects the conversation, assume that changing the subject means cutting a topic short, and skirting the goal of arriving at a conclusion. Don’t divert a fruitful discussion to follow a tangent.


8. Except...Know when to change the subject. Some discussions just don’t go anywhere productive. If a conversation is going off track, wait for an opening, then reel it in. Ask summarizing questions to redirect the conversation back to its original thread, or make pointed suggestions to return to an earlier point. Be kind, but firm. Chances are your conversation partner will be grateful: as speakers, we often don’t realize how far down the rabbit hole we’ve stumbled until someone reaches out to guide us back.
The same goes for conversations that have reached a repetitive note - if you can now anticipate what the other person will say, it's fine to gracefully interrupt to reach a more productive stage of the conversation.

With these steps in mind, you’ll be well on your way to becoming a better listener. Just remember not to run through this checklist during your conversations: you can do that afterwards. In the moment, stay focused. Mastering the art of listening isn’t about you at all: really, it’s about the other person.

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the 6 Toxic Beliefs That Will Ruin Your Career

There is nothing wrong with making a mistake. It's what you say to yourself after you mess up that matters. Your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either magnify the negativity or help you turn that misstep into something productive.
Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of.
All self-talk is driven by important beliefs that you hold about yourself. It plays an understated but powerful role in success because it can both spur you forward to achieve your goals and hold you back.
When it comes to self-talk, we've discovered six common, yet toxic, beliefs that hold people back more than any others. Be mindful of your tendencies to succumb to these beliefs, so that they don't derail your career:

Toxic Belief #1: Perfection = Success

Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you're always left with a nagging sense of failure, and end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish, instead of enjoying what you were able to achieve.

Toxic Belief #2: My Destiny is Predetermined

Far too many people succumb to the highly irrational idea that they are destined to succeed or fail. Make no mistake about it, your destiny is in your own hands, and blaming multiple successes or failures on forces beyond your control is nothing more than a cop out. Sometimes life will deal you difficult cards to play, and others times you'll be holding aces. Your willingness to give your all in playing any hand you're holding determines your ultimate success or failure in life.

Toxic Belief #3: I “Always” or “Never” Do That

There isn't anything in life that you always or never do. You may do something a lot or not do something enough, but framing your behavior in terms of “always” or “never” is a form of self-pity. It makes you believe that you have no control of yourself and will never change. Don't succumb to it.

Toxic Belief #4: I Succeed When Others Approve of Me

Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain⎯you're never as good or bad as they say you are. It's impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, but you can take people's opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what people think about you, your self-worth comes only from within.

Toxic Belief #5: My Past = My Future

 Repeated failures can erode your self-confidence and make it hard to believe you'll achieve a better outcome in the future. Most of the time, these failures result from taking risks and trying to achieve something that isn't easy. Just remember that success lies in your ability to rise in the face of failure. Anything worth achieving is going to require you to take some risks, and you can't allow failure to stop you from believing in your ability to succeed.

Toxic Belief #6: My Emotions = Reality

your emotions will continue to skew your sense of reality, making you vulnerable to the negative self-talk that can hold you back from achieving your full potential

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How You Know You’ve Found the Right Career for yourself

Few of us know what career is in store for us when we take our first job. But here are some signs that you'vefound the right one for yourself according to joel peterson of stanford bussiness school:

1. You've found something you can be really good at.  I recall taking up piano lessons at the same time as another young hopeful would-be musician. It wasn’t long, though, before she was in “John Thompson Book Three,” while I remained stuck in “Book Two.” Had I stayed with piano, I’d have been as miserable as those on the receiving end of my performances. My fellow student, however, went on to delight others with her gift as she became a professional musician. Thankfully, I merged into her audience – to the benefit of all. There’s no sense in fighting Mother Nature on the career front if you ever hope to cheer about it.

2. You like the nuts and bolts of the job. Pick something where you don’t have to fake it to make it. When I watch natural extroverts gather energy from social situations, I recognize they have something I don’t. Whereas Bill Clinton comes alive and is energized by others, being on stage for too long drains my energy. I can finally host events without anxiety, even enjoying the occasional party – but I’m always happiest to retreat into a book or a private conversation with a friend. This means that as much as I love policy issues, governance and leadership, a career in elected politics would have undone me.

3. The job lifts you. For those doing what they were meant to do, the normal irritants of the job become a kind of “atmospheric dust” that creates the foundation for beautiful sunsets. Every career has its dust, but you might be in the wrong one if that’s all you see. If you find yourself grousing, fussing and fomenting, give yourself – and the rest of us – a break. In your torrent of objections and cautions, you’ll never build a great career – and you might just keep others from achieving their dreams. No career is perfect, but the right one for you will be filled with many uplifting sunsets.

4. You're in the thick of things. Life in the backseat or on the periphery of the action rarely makes for a great career. Naturally, there are lots of great support roles on the edge of every industry, but if you’re determined to leave a mark, it generally pays off to operate at the center. If you love accounting, work for an accounting firm. If you're fascinated by the law, get into the judicial system. If you’re an engineer, build cool new stuff. If you love finance, work for a bank or an investment house. Build the motor, buy the brake pads.

5. You're in an industry that fits your personality type. Engineers are not like real estate developers, who in turn don’t think like fashion mavens, who are wired differently from lawyers and accountants. We all have psychometric preferences – ones that tend to make us more or less like those in various industries. While this alone shouldn’t determine what you choose (as there are many roles on every winning team), make sure you understand your dominant traits and those of industry leaders. Then get on a field with those playing the same sport as you.

6. You like the other people in your field. My best-ever career (and investment) decisions have come from genuinely liking and admiring people I’m working with. Grappling with the discomfort of interpersonal contretemps is never productive. It saps everyone and it ensures suboptimal performance. Also, it can take down a career faster than anything else. If you can handle snakes, you’ll be OK getting into the viper pit; but if not, pick another industry.

7. You've found an inspiring mentor. Having someone to look up to is a key to finding a meaningful career. Your mentor doesn’t need to be your file leader – or even in your industry. But if you would have a great career, find a mentor… then become one yourself.

8. You look forward to Mondays. Don’t let your week become what Thoreau called a life of “quiet desperation,” awaiting the weekends for rejuvenation. But this also doesn’t mean you should be a workaholic. There is an emotional chasm between being a workaholic and loving work. Workaholics are driven by fear; joyful workers are motivated by passion. They both work hard, but it’s not the same. So find passion. Eschew fear. I can still hear Trammell Crow say, “Work is more fun than fun” – and mean it. And Confucius said, “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” This is the essence of having found a great career – one that grows out of passion, that merges work, life, family and friends into a whole with few bright-line boundaries. This sort of “career” is a Friday-less and Monday-less one.

9. You learn, grow, become, test, try. As Oliver Wendall Holmes wrote, “Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them.” Great careers test us, try us, stretch us. We find out if we can hit the high notes and we learn to recover from the low ones. But those who have figured out how to have a great career – and not just a great job – don’t die with their music in them.

10. You're proud of what you do. Once when climbing a mountain with a successful entertainment industry executive, I apologized for what I was doing in my life at that point – particularly as I compared it with his fame and fortune. He carefully chose a moment to pull me out of the earshot of others to say: “Don’t ever be ashamed of what you’re doing with your life. Life is not a competition. Unless you self limit, you can make a greater difference in the lives of the young people you work with than I’ll make in a hundred lifetimes working with the world’s celebrities.” Finding the gold amid the dross of my present situation became the key to an important renewal. And it started by feeling proud of what I was doing.
If you're planning out your future, you're not likely to be satisfied with a series of jobs that merely keeps food on the table. Instead, turn your progression of jobs and assignments into a career that creates relationships, promotes learning, and makes a difference – all of which will send you tap-dancing to the office.

credits to joel peterson

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here are 15 quotes to inspire you to greatness in this year

Sometimes we need an extra push to follow our dreams in the new year. Great quotes can inspire us, motivate us, and help us get through hard times. In 2014, it’s time to take your career to a whole new level.

No more making excuses for why you can’t go after your dream job or the title you know you deserve. Let these quotes from some great thinkers inspire you to pursue your dreams and make them a reality in 2014

1. “Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.” – Corrie ten Boom

 Lesson: Identify what has been holding you back from your career success. Most likely, it’s been worry and fear. In the new year, it’s time to leave fear behind. The things you are afraid of are often the things most worth doing.

2. “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” – Alan Kay

Lesson: You can’t wait around for good things to happen this year; you need to make them happen yourself.

3. “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.” – Albert Einstein

Lesson: Bringing value to your company is the best way up the corporate ladder. Don’t play office politics, just make sure you bring as much value as you possibly can to your organization.

4. “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” – Babe Ruth

Lesson: You can learn and grow from your mistakes if you see them not as mere errors, but as opportunities to grow as a professional and as a person.

5. “If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend the first four hours sharpening the axe.” – Abraham Lincoln

Lesson: Honest Abe’s productivity hack is a good one. Before you start a job hunt or a new project, make sure you’ve sharpened your skills so you can succeed.

6. “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne

Lesson: In 2014, you should try to frequently do things which scare you and push you outside your comfort zone. Take on a complicated new project, offer to do some public speaking, or learn a new skill. You’ll never rise in your career if you don’t take the chance to fall.

7. “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.” – Henry Ford

Lesson: Sure the bottom line is important, but it’s not the only thing. A business should be more than dollar signs, it should give something back to the world and inspire passion in employees.

8. “Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

Lesson: In the new year it’s important not to let the little things get you down. You won’t hit a home run every time, but if you bounce back you’ll come back stronger.

9. “Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It’s not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it’s when you’ve had everything to do, and you’ve done it.” – Margaret Thatcher

Lesson: You might sometimes dream about a slow day in the office, but you know you thrive when things get crazy. In 2014, don’t rest on your laurels when you could be challenging yourself to do and be better.

10. “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

Lesson: Nothing is ever impossible, even if it often feels that way. If you give up too soon, you’ll never know if you could have actually achieved your dream.

11. “Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential.” – John Maxwell

Lesson: Don’t write yourself off before you actually try. If you put in the hard work and effort this year, you’ll be closer to achieving your dream.

12. “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

Lesson: There will always be negatives in your professional life. If you focus on the negative instead of the positive, you’ll miss out on great opportunities.

13. “Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lesson: The best way to succeed in 2014 is to marry pie-in-the-sky ambition with hard work. If you dream big and work hard, you’ll be able to make those dreams a reality.

14. “There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.” – Roger Staubach

Lesson: Going the extra mile in 2014 is really the best way to arrive at your dream destination. No one ever made it to their dream career, got their dream job, or started a business without going above and beyond.

15. “Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” – Gloria Steinem

Lesson: It’s hard to get anywhere in your professional or personal life without a little bit of dreaming. You need a destination in mind to start the new year out right, so don’t be afraid to dream big in 2014.

By IIya Pozin of Openme.com

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Mistakes to Avoid When Selecting a Career

When you are selecting a career there's a lot riding on your decision. You want to pick an occupation in which you can be successful for many years to come. While you can change careers, doing so can be effortful. It is easier if you don't have to do it too often. That means you should pick something that is not only suitable for you, but also can support you financially far into the future. Increase your chances of making a good decision by avoiding these very common mistakes.
What Not to Do When Selecting a Career:
Listening to People Who Tell You That You Should, or Should Not, Do Something: Many people think they should have a say in what career you choose—your parents, your friends, your significant other. They don't. In most cases your decision will have little impact on the other people in your life. You, however, will have to deal with your choice for years to come. Make sure the career you choose is something you want to spend your day doing.

Following in Someone Else's Footsteps: You may be haunted by your parents' expectations to go into the same occupation they are in. You may know it as the one that helped put food in your mouth, kept a roof over your head and even paid your way through school. As hard is it is to do, ignore the pressure you may feel to please your mom and dad. Remember, and if necessary, remind your parents, that they made their own choices and now it's your turn. What was right for them may not be for you. In the long run, there's a good chance they'd rather see you happy in a career of your own choosing than unhappy in one you picked to please them.

Not Doing Your Homework: Don't choose a career without taking the time to learn about it. In addition to a job description, you should make sure to gather information about typical job duties, educational requirements, earnings and job outlook.

 
Not Talking to Those in the Know: Your homework isn't complete if you skip talking to someone who currently works in the career field you are considering. Those who are engaged in an occupation can provide you with a truthful account of what it's really like to work in it. If possible talk to a few people to avoid individual biases.


Going for the Money, Honey: Bringing home a paycheck is important, but the size of it isn't actually a great predictor of job satisfaction. In other words, you can make six figures, but if you hate what you're doing, you'll find it hard to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Look for a balance between making enough money to support yourself and work that fulfills you.
Ignoring Who You Are: Your personality type, interests, values and aptitude make you better suited for some occupations than others. These traits are intrinsic, which means you can't change them. If you don't take them into account when selecting a career, there is an excellent chance you will wind up in an occupation that is unsuitable for you.

 
Not Considering Location, Location, Location: Jobs in certain occupations are concentrated in specific cities—Dar es Salaam or Mwanza for example—or in certain types of locations—such as cities versus rural areas. If you live somewhere that doesn't offer many opportunities in your field and you aren't willing to relocate, you will have trouble getting a job.

 
Not Looking Beyond a "Best Careers" List: Lists that tell you what careers have the best opportunities of the year, decade or whatever, can be a helpful guide when it comes to selecting a career. However, making a decision based solely on one of those lists is a terrible idea. Even an occupation with a great outlook can be a bad fit, so you have to scratch below the surface to find out whether you and a career are a good match.

 
Ignoring the Future: While you shouldn't make your choice solely on an occupation's appearance on a "best careers list," to ignore employment outlook is careless. There's a good chance you don't have a crystal ball that can tell you with certainty whether an occupation will grow, or at least be stable, during the course of your career. However, you can do more than hope for the best. You should consider whether a career has a promising future before you begin to prepare for it. You can at least eliminate something if its future looks bleak.

by Dawn Rosenberg McKay

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