Some of our inner beliefs can trigger failure before it happens. They
sabotage change by cancelling its possibility! Discover how to recognize
these sabotaging beliefs and learn what you can do about them.
I’m sure you’ve met him, or her. That person who says he’ll finish
the project tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. Or the person who
promises to call as soon as she gets home, but you never hear from her.
We
know lots of people like this. If we’re a hard case, we cut them out of
our lives. If we’re a “softie”, we make excuses, and try to let it go.
Either way, these people, who make promises to change one day and
excuses not to the next, exist.
And, we may have even done this
ourselves! I know I have. For those of us who admit to it, we know our
genius becomes more acute when it’s our turn to change how we behave.
That’s when we fall back on a set of beliefs that trigger denial,
resistance, and ultimately self-delusion. These beliefs are more wicked
than excuses. An excuse is the handy explanation we offer when we
disappoint other people. It is acute and convenient, often made up on
the spot. Basically an excuse is a variation on “The dog ate my
homework,” and these are so abused it’s a wonder anyone believes them.
What
do we call the excuses we privately harbor when we disappoint
ourselves? Mere “excuse” is somehow inadequate to describe these inner
beliefs that represent how we interpret our world. An excuse explains
why we fell short of expectations after the fact. Our inner beliefs
trigger failure before it happens. They sabotage change by cancelling
its possibility. We employ these beliefs as articles of faith to justify
our inaction and then wish away the result. I call them belief triggers
and we think them all day long. Here’s a not-extensive list, but it
should get you started on where I’m going with this.
1. I am the same ‘me’
The
person who promised to change yesterday is not the same person who has
to execute that change today. We make promises to ourselves and others
today that we cannot keep tomorrow. This is a most illusory belief –
because it triggers over-confidence in our ability to execute our plan.
2. If I change I am ‘inauthentic’
We refuse to adapt our behavior to new situations because “it isn’t me.” This belief triggers stubbornness.
3. I won’t get tired
When
we intend to work long hours, we’re not exhausted. But after we work
several hours we become tired and are eager to throw in the towel. It’s
the same with changing our ways – we grow tired with the effort it takes
to change. This triggers depletion.
4. I understand the requirements
People
who read my writing often tell me, “It’s common sense. I didn’t read
anything here that I don’t already know.” True, but there’s a difference
between understanding and doing. Just because people understand what to
do doesn’t ensure that they will actually do it. This belief triggers
confusion.
5. It has to be perfect
Even when
we appreciate that nothing is permanent, we still believe in the idea of
perfection – that there is a perfect weight, a perfect job, a perfect
state of mind if only we strive harder to achieve it. This triggers
hopelessness -- so we give up.
6. It’s not fair
We
have an unshakeable belief in the essential fairness of life – that if
we do what is asked of us, we will be rewarded for it. When that faith
is shaken and we see that life is not fair, we feel cheated. Our dashed
expectations trigger resentment. We convince ourselves that the game is
rigged against us and refuse to play again. In other words, we stop
trying.
7. I can do it on my own
We believe
that we are solely responsible for our own happiness and success, that
positive change starts and ends within us and is neither shaped nor
determined by the people around us. We abuse self-sufficiency, ignoring
the value of a supportive environment, taking foolish pride in doing it
all ourselves. We trigger our isolation.
8. Nothing will interrupt my focus
We
don’t plan for the low-probability events because, by definition, any
one of them is unlikely to occur. But in the aggregate, low probability
events affect us all the time. Who plans on a flat tire, or accident, or
stalled traffic because of an overturned semi on their way to work?
This belief triggers unrealistic expectations.
9. ‘At least I’m better than…’
In
a down moment after failure or loss, we tell ourselves, “At least I’m
better than _______.” We award ourselves a free pass because we’re not
the worst in the world. This is our excuse to take it easy, lowering the
bar on our motivation and discipline. We’ve triggered a false sense of
immunity.
10. I am exempt on this ‘special day’
Today
is the Super Bowl, or my birthday, or our anniversary, or my day off.
We excuse our momentary lapse as an outlier event, a blip in the long
arc of committed change we are making. This belief triggers a
self-indulgent inconsistency – which is fatal for change.
Overconfidence.
Stubbornness. Depletion. Confusion. Hopelessness. Resentment.
Isolation. Unrealistic expectations. Immunity. Inconsistency. That’s a
lot of heavy baggage to carry on our journey of change.
These are
just some of the rationalizations that keep us from becoming the person
we want to be. Now that you’ve read them, I bet they’re nothing you’ve
not heard before! Keep watch in your daily life for them, keep track of
how often you use one of these trigger beliefs, see if you can come up
with others. This is a great exercise, because as you know awareness is
the first step towards change!
